Picks from the Barney's Warehouse Online Sale

Happy First Day of the Barney's Warehouse Sale ONLINE! Finally, you can shop this incredibly anticipated discount extravaganza without getting elbowed in the face, having to step over weak shoppers, stripping in aisles, waiting on lines and having the bag check people give you a scare when it takes them 15 minutes to locate your bag (because it's one of 75 black PS1's that have been checked). Personally, I consider these things rites of passage, all part of the sport that is sale shopping, and I wear my bruises as badges of honor. But if you're of the calmer sort and will be shopping online, here are some heart attack-worthy picks:

I've been dying over this dress - the clean silhouette and the cool graphic print - and now it's only $229. That's 60% off of its $575 price.

The Altuzarra tropical bird print HAUNTS MY DREAMS and at $309 from $1,225, this is the most affordable a dose of this dazzling pattern will ever be. Too. Good. To. Be. True.

Every wardrobe needs one of Carven's razor sharp-tailored bubble skirts, and now you can have this sweetly colored one for only $139 from $310.

Boy. by Band of Outsider's crisp, clean tailoring with leather trims? Yup, it's a vision. And it's an amazing deal, too: $179 from $725. Like, are you kidding me?

Printed jeans? Good. Isabel Marant printed jeans? Gooder. And the $269 price from the original $675? Goodest. 

THIS. THIS. THIS. $359 from $1,150.

Sleek. Artful. Colorful. These Fendi sandals are just $259 from $615.

I don't just love Miu Miu shoes, my life revolves around them. My moon is in the house of Miu Miu, or something. So it makes me very happy when you can a gorgeous pair like this for $269 from $675.

Let me enlighten you in case you've been an enjoying your home under a rock for a while: high-heeled loafers are imperative. And these Acne babies are $289 from $730.

Chloé wedges are essential, and these are now just $379 from $915.

Speaking of essential, and of Chloé, actually, this bag is so classic and luxe. And worth the investment at $899 from $2,695.

Speaking as someone who bought this amazing statement cuff from Pamela Love at full price, take advantage of the $99 from $250 slash.

Verdict: Bags and jewelry are slightly disappointing - well, still great, but the selection leaves something to be desired. But stick to shoes and clothing and you will NOT walk away from your computer feeling the ache of abandonment and emptiness that can only be cured by more desperate shopping sprees. Oh, it's not normal to feel that way when you don't buy something? Look, at you, benefiting from my sale advice and then JUDGING me.

Happy shopping!

Handbags and Hugs, 

Astor